TFIT

Thank goodness it's my last day at work this week and hurrah for long weekends (even if this one isn't set for relaxing).  I haven't slept again and I've a good 9hrs to get through but after that is me,Spotify and the open road for a few hours - hopefully enough for me to actually shut off my brain.

I slept a little last night (thank goodness)!  I was talking nonsense and muddling up words yesterday after day 2 of no sleep.  I got at least 5hrs last night so am feeling much better today.

I haven't spoken with Miles much the last few days, he's had the kids over and I've been incredibly tired late at night when he checks in.  I hadn't thought there was a problem but yesterday he messaged. Asking if I was angry and seemingly annoyed at my morning and goodnight messages although I've no idea why.  I got the exact same good morning message back and no goodnight... I also had two I love you messages met with radio silence... maybe I should have been the annoyed one. Either way I messaged a couple of times,  called a couple of times and shortly after he rang and we spoke.  I've still no idea what was going on,  he said pretty much nothing.  He's terrible on the phone when other people are there.  I also had no idea if I was on speaker or not.  Anyway I'm sure it will be a storm in a teacup but with him having the kids longer and me travelling and with mum I doubt we will feel our usual selves for a while.

Gosh I'm tired!   My body is officially on strike!  I look dreadful.  I'm dreading the photos at the wedding.  Dreading them :/

I love my cousin,  we spent some of our time together as kids but come our teen years we spent a chunk of each summer holiday together... kid stuff and then adult stuff.  He's one of my favourite people in the whole world and I should be buzzing about meeting up to wish him luck in his new family unit,  but all I feel is anxious.  As usual a social event is tipping me over the edge and I'm using all my tactics to get myself to it.  Evil stomach churning go away! I wish my brothers were going... my family can be incredibly selfish sometimes.  It's infuriating.  I on the other hand think family is the most important thing... if I was on fire I would still make this event.  It's important.

Ok work time.  I'll see you on the other side.  Wish me and my 'no new dress and no decent clothes for the wedding' self luck x

Running uphill

Im shatters but I need to start regular blogging again for sanity so here's the abbreviated version:

• Work is incredibly stressful.  The entire workplace is turbulent at present and my role is incredibly undefined.  I enjoy a challenge but this one could either work in my favour a huge extent or will leave me broken and furious
• The wedding is this coming weekend.  I'm struggling to get everything done as mum wants to come back and I've been juggling a lot 
• My car was in a bump.  My new shiny car.  I get a courtesy car tomorrow so that wil be my ride for the 6hr drive cross country to the wedding and back
• Financially I'm trying to make things happen.  An extra bit of work here, a quick buck there... it isn't enough if Miles and I are to make it to the next stage (not without him having an income), and it certainly isn't enough to do my holiday next year.  I really wanted 2 weeks somewhere secluded and with its own pool to bring in my 35th but unless credit cards come into play it's not on the cards
• My trip to see Miles is booked.  I'm crazy excited to see him again.  He is coming back with me but for an undetermined amount of time.  He seems reluctant to pick a timeline and I need one to have the oh so awkward conversation with g-star.  I've brought it up a couple of times and even suggested a couple of dates but he said he felt like I was trying to shorten what he thought was an extended trip.  It's difficult.  We haven't had the 'let's try to live together' chat so I need to walk the careful line as the last thing I want is a crappy flatmate situation over a holiday without and end date. A living together scenario is incredibly different.  Miles hasn't really done the flatshare as an adult thing so I'm not quite sure he gets how stressful it is.  I'm trying to act as go between with my anxious boyfriend and my recluse need to plan flatmate and OMG it's proving stressful.  For some reason the stress of the conversation and how I need to go about bringing it up seems to be totally lost on Miles.  He's giving me no time to work on tactics or to plant the seed and water it (which is what g-star needs); and is going to avoid it as a difficult subject leaving me the option to either A) sound like a broken record bringing it up all the time causing me stress, or B) leave me no time to do things the right way with g-star which (you've guessed it) will also cause me stress
• Health wise I'm on empty.  My breathing is all over.  I'm anaemic again I think.  My skin is soooo bad, and my body has reacts by bloating - a new move in the  ser3ndipity body disasters book
• Miles and I are good if a little strained at the moment.  We have had our own things going on with work/kids etc so it's been a little pick up put down the last three of four weeks.  It's definitely playing on my subconscious as I've been having the weirdest dreams and unlike the norm... people have faces.  Miles also seems to be leaving his treatment homework to the 11th hour of the last day every week which is playing on my mind.  I'm busting my balls looking at the bigger picture 'us' and he needs to pull his socks up and start realising his contribution to that is getting better and that it's a full time job not a last minute never think about it paper task once a week.  Of course I haven't said that to him but it's hard.  I'm hoping so bad I've got it wrong and he does do the logic it's just the writing down he is leaving,  but I'm not so sure... he doesn't talk about his homework day to day or what he is working on so I've no indicators he is giving it everything he has.  I need indicators.  We can do anything and face anything but if I'm giving 100% I need to know he is all in too.

So bloggers,  as you can see... lots!  I'll fill you in again later this week :)

Waiting

Wow I miss him.

Today it's hit me like a wave.  I had dreams that have lingered with me,  I woke to the sounds of his youngest jumping on him with kid/Daddy cuddles, and I couldn't miss him more if I tried.

We need to see each other again.  Soon!