Calming my soul

I've had a really trying day...

My apartment has plumbing problems and the letting agent are worse than useless.  I'm currently on hour 36 with no use of anything that requires plumbing and counting.

My boss is incredibly emotive, is incapable of seeing the wood for the trees, and takes a reactive and illogical approach to everything - not ideal given the role we undertake.

I'm struggling health wise at the moment with weird bloods, a cold that is trying to get hold, aching bones and a crazy ass problem with my feet that as yet is a mystery but is completely messing with my walking-to-places mojo.

Miles has been a little unusual the last couple of days, nothing big, however he has made multiple references to a subject we discussed at the weekend around me being bisexual etc.  He hasn't been crass or overbearing, it has perhaps just been a few misplaced innuendo's and comments that in my current and vulnerable state of mind have played on me a little.  My dreams firmly wrapped around it last night.  That aside, he has calmed me endlessly tonight after a somewhat brutal day.  

I don't know what it is, but sharing and venting and letting it all go seems so easy with his approach to listening/supporting me and yet to him it all seems so effortless.  I commented on it earlier and his response was 'of course, it is kind of in the job description'. 

Love.

The afters - Ocean Wide

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Magic*

You know, I do believe in magic.

I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians.

Oh, most everybody else didn't realise we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance.

But I knew it all along.

When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the bast, the present, and into the future.

You probably did it too; you just don't recall it.

See, this is my opinion:  We all start out knowing magic.

We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us.

We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand.

But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls.

We get it taught out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out.

We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible.

Told to act our age.  

Told to grow up for goodness sake.

And you know why we are told that?

Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they'd allowed to wither in themselves.

After you go so far away from it, though, you can't really get it back. 

You have seconds of it.

Just seconds of knowing and remembering.

When people get weepy at movies, it's because in that dark theatre the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly.

Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they're left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why.

When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world,  when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are.

For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

That is what I believe.

Lights & Motion - Fireflies

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Deep Breath

To blog or not to blog...

Thursday the 18th of December 2014 seems like forever away.  

Where to start... How about with the recent revelation that I am totally, hopelessly, completely and insanely head over heels in (struggling to use the L word).  My head is spinning, my stomach is turning, my brain is overdrive and my heart, my heart is smiling.  In true Ser3ndipity style however bloggers, all isn't simple.  I had better fill you in...

I've continued to explore my kinky side since I stumbled upon the website I told you about, I've been to a few munches, a couple of classes and have made some real-life and online kinky friends.  I have dipped my toes in a couple of times, but like with anything, finding the right click isn't easy; especially for a hopeless romantic like this chick.  

About a month ago I joined a KIK group and began chatting to people a little closer to home.  The reception I got was one I hadn't expected, people were welcoming and pictures and kinks on my sleeve I appeared to be a hit.  There were 18 in the group when I joined and by the end of the first week I'd received PMs from more than half, guys and girls alike (seemingly innocent at first, and then with clear intention).  A flirt here, a giggle there, but nothing that had me do anything but pass time and smile a little while relaxing in between the crazy hours of work I have fallen into.  Throw in a handful of real-life dodgy dates and one insanely assertive stalker-type (I'll tell you about those another day), and the last thing I expected was for life to throw a sprinkling of serendipity my way.

A couple of weeks after I joined the group I had met several new members, most lovely, although none of which were on the radar, and then there he was... (lets call him Miles).  

I had logged in after another long day of work and as I was scrolling through the chat to see what debauchery I had missed for the day I spotted him;  new, very personable in his responses, and his picture while not someone I would think of as my 'type', alluring.  A gorgeous smile, twinkling eyes and someone I most definitely wanted to know more about.  Scroll forward a few weeks and I have been living in a whirlwind.

Miles is 34, he lives in a different (non UK) although accessible country from me.  He has five children, yes five (two of his own and three he adopted through a previous relationship), is relatively new to kink although similarly has a pretty good idea of what turns him on, and found himself on the group/website after his 11yr relationship ended back in December.  I don't want to go into details as this is my blog, not his, but given some of the things I think I'll end up talking about on here, I want to try and be as vague, but as honest as possible so I'm going to try and give you the full overview.  His last relationship ended as after several years of difficult times and trying to make it work his ex declared herself asexual and aromantic (I had to google both), and from the stories he has told me, I don't think the decision came easily or lightly for either.  They were never married, and it appears while he spends time with and sees all of the children on a regular basis, I am told the eldest two no longer talk with her (again, the how or the why isn't really relevant to this blog so I will leave it out).  Miles clearly struggles with aspects of their now relationship and has vocalised a few of the difficulties with her, but never in a disrespectful way.  They speak daily as they face-time to put the children to bed.  Something perhaps associated with the mix and prolonged end of the relationship however is perhaps Miles sense of self.  Miles has been really open and honest about this, unbelievably so, and again while this is my blog and so I shouldn't really be spilling stories about his life, none of it will make sense if I don't let you know that he struggles with anxiety and depression, and while getting the help he needs to tackle these isn't working and lives at home with his mum (who is also his very young-like, and very fun-like, best friend).  Oh and as for his kinks, for the most part they scare the hell outta me.  *Phew

So now you have the facts and are jumping to conclusions, let me tell you the rest.  The important part.  The way he makes me feel...

Since we first spoke on the phone a day hasn't gone by that I haven't had him on my mind.  We have spoken for hours!  Conversation after conversation, question after question, giggle after giggle, video chat after video chat and all the while I've fallen deeper and deeper.  A few of weeks ago he was face timing me from the beach and as the call drew to an end I found my lips spilling the words that had been on my mind 'I love...' I attempted a recovery and then ended the call.  A few seconds later he text... 'I love you'.  My heart was racing, I could barely breathe.  This was insane!  I was acting like a crazy person.  I needed to talk to myself - what on earth are you doing Ser3ndiptiy, this isn't the movies, this is how people end up hurt and I'm already pieced together.

I have asked him a thousand questions, question I have never asked anyone, and not once has he shied away from an answer. He has held out his life with an open hand, palm up, mine for the reading.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. No silver linings, and each and every time I delve a little deeper picking at a scab, rather than run away, he calmly and softly tells me the truth; hints of pain and/or shame in his voice as he comes to an end awaiting my response.  Is this how it is supposed to be?  Have I spent my entire life up until this point asking the wrong people the right questions and being none the wiser?!?  Surely it can't be this simple. It can't be this easy to peer into someones soul,  can it?

I feel my barriers fall, brick by brick, gate by gate each time we speak.  He knows my deepest darkest fears, my kinkiest naughtiest thoughts, and the most horrible and wretched parts of my past and my soul.  Its like my entire world is a maze, and he somehow found a secret passage straight through the middle. I am so far down the rabbit hole... When he asked me to be his girlfriend, despite not meeting, I didn't hesitate at all.

I realise when you read this bloggers you are going to think I have gone completely insane.  The 21st century savvy chick has lost her mind and has fallen for a man she has never met with several of her 101 boxes on the 'people I shouldn't date' list ticked.  I know what you are thinking... I can see it too, the madness of it all.  Sometimes however, sometimes you just have to leap right?

I have fallen.  It isn't clear, and it isn't simple but it is as plain as the tattoo on my wrist.  I'm in love.  I'm in love with a man who defies all of my tick boxes, my lists of 'must haves' and 'won't dos'.  I am wrapped up in a fairytale and in a little over a month I've entwined my life with his.  He tells me he loves me, hears what I am saying (not just listens, actually hears), reads me to sleep because despite being unusual, I only had to mention in passing conversation that it would make me happy and relaxed.  I've met a guy who has somehow shown me more support in the last four weeks despite battling his own life of crazy, than I think any guy has managed to do (with the exception of my dad of course) my entire life.

In 48 days I'll meet him.  We have been really logical (well as logical as it could possibly be at this point) about meeting, and know that the 'click' doesn't always happen in person despite a million conversations and a thousand photos/videos. We have agreed a line in the sand when I arrive.  We will fall out of our 'zone' and will take a thousand steps back.  No boyfriend and girlfriend. No 'I love you's', and nothing over familiar. Just Ser3ndipity and Miles.  A girl standing in front of a boy...

I'm putting this all on the page bloggers because I need you.  I am caught up in a whirlwind, I'm riding the sparkles on a rainbow, I'm feeling like Iris in the holiday when she goes to the video shop with Miles and her whole world somehow clicks into place.  I'm terrified I'm not going to be enough.

I am so incredibly nervous.  I just keep thinking to myself how big the bump is going to be when I fall.  I need to keep writing as it's the only way I will be able to dust myself off if my whole world comes crashing down and around my ankles again.

Crash Land - Twin Atlantic

click for soundtrack