I haven't exactly set the world on fire this weekend. It's January, my bank account is firmly in the red, and on Friday Spunky (my car) got a flat. Needless to say my weekend started with a bang, but not the usual kind.
I've spent a lot of my weekend pottering about the apartment (with the exception of a quick trip to the shops for food and a tyre change this afternoon), and it has been lovely. I had the first nightmare free sleep in god knows how long (weeks!) last night thanks to a relaxing evening in front of the TV, vanilla candles, and good conversation. I'm pretty certain the fact I fell asleep talking to Miles and we stayed on the phone through the night, sleeping together virtually (as we used to do almost every night) somehow permeated and broke the darkness that tends to creep in when I've drifted off to sleep. I woke feeling refreshed, and calm. I wish I could fall asleep that way every night.
The cousin I told you about the other day, the one that isn't getting married... well he got engaged today. I guess I will be the only single family member at the gathering in August after all. Do I need to be? Probably not. Will I settle just so I don't have to face that eventuality? Never.
In the last couple of weeks I've heard from Mr Hotel, Mr Helicopter, El Dempasso, and have had yet another 10 or so texts from the one who is slowly starting to become a concern...I swear men have spider like senses when there's a potential moment of weakness ahead. It's like they sense it and somehow get in touch, just at that point in time when you might be most vulnerable. I'm pleased to say I sent each and every one of them politely on their way. No bloggers, I have absolutely no interest in going backwards in my life. Only forwards. Only towards something special. A part of me still thinks Miles is that person...
I'm in a bit of an ambiguous situation at the moment I think. Miles and I are talking often, hanging out, supporting each other... Things are similar to how they were, before I went to visit. With the exception of one key element... There's nothing sexual. No flirting, No splashes of unexpected colour and traces of magic and glitter. The thing is, I just don't know how I feel about it all. Am I the only one wondering where we are? Have we found a new plateau? Would I be happy if we had? Is he? Are we both wondering in the back of our minds if we let something go when we should have followed the trail of fairy dust a little further? Don't get me wrong bloggers, I love that we are talking again, hanging out; That my phone sometimes rings spontaneously and it's him at the end. That we have that flow again, but (and there is a but although I'm not sure how big it is)... While I don't want to make things awkward, or lose where we are right now, there's a huge part of me that is lurking in the background, and I think it is hoping something drops into place and we find our feet back where we were. Slowly but surely and more certainly walking the road to togetherness. I know I probably shouldn't, but I miss those things. I miss the 'babygirl' and the 'daddy' parts. I'm happy where we are, but surely when two people care for, and support each other this much there has to be more to it? Is there more to it? Given I'm trying to hold out a hand and invite him to stay with me a while so he can see how strong he is and see life from a new angle, am I a terrible person for even questioning this? Should I be putting any thoughts of this kind in a box and burying them as deep as I can? Is that what I want to do anyway? I genuinely have no idea.
The old me would push at this point. She would have to. Pushing and hinting until eventually she came right out and said it 'are we going to give things another go because there's a part of me that feels we aren't quite done'. I can't do that. I'm not sure I could ever do that. I put myself out there before and with that in mind he already knows that he would have to be the one to speak the words or make the move right? Is there even a move to be made? HAVE I GONE COMPLETELY INSANE?!? There's a part to me that things, what will be will be. There's also another part that tells me where I am right now I'm potentially letting myself stand still in a place where nothing will ever change. Have I somehow found myself waiting? Am I waiting? I don't feel like I am, but then.. I'm not looking elsewhere. Miles mentioned to me he had added a few new friends on social media the other day, there was an intimation that one of these was someone he might have opened up to, someone he has maybe felt something for? I could be reading into nothing. What if I'm not? He told me he wasn't looking to meet anyone or date the other day. What if he is talking to someone else though, the way that we do, and I somehow find myself on the cusp. I couldn't be annoyed at that. I would have no right to be, he hasn't promised me anything. He hasn't intimated anything, but at the same time... Our care for each other is so genuine - could that be the heart of everything else? I know I've never cared in this way for someone before. Never before have I been so open and honest, or reached out a hand with the knowledge that in that moment in time any feelings/thoughts of my own don't matter because the person you are reaching out to deserves more, they mean more to you than that and help and love is a gift, not an exchange.
'I like you more now that I did before you came'... 'I don't know how I feel'... Those words pop into my head from time to time. They still make no sense.
I guess what it all boils down to bloggers is this... I don't want to lose him. I love that we have a friendship and he has the ability to make me smile with nothing more than a text. I also love that he feels able to open up to me and we have found ourselves drawn back in to this place where we reach out and help each other... Like magnets. But at the same time, I don't want to find myself turning into someone I'm not. The person who without realising starts to pin her hopes on something that might never happen. The person who ruins a friendship. Flip that again, and he is still my number 3. I know he was. If only you could plug into someone else's brain for a few minutes. How simple it would be if you could peek inside and see if somewhere there's a light, and all it needs is time, opportunity and the natural affinity you have with someone. North and south. What if I started to push myself to move on. Move on when all I want to do is stay. And at some point in the future I find out that I shouldn't have. I find out that things would have fallen into place. That I was the same for him as he was for me, that there was a piece of 'us' glowing inside, but it couldn't be spoken of, couldn't be let free because of all the 'what if's and the potential 'disasters' as seen by the mind of someone with anxiety. Then again... He spoke other words too. Ones that maybe tell me everything I need to know. 'You're reading too much into it'
Am I a terrible friend?
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
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