Have you ever had an encounter where it feels like someone is reading your mind?
I've just had a moment like that. It's a little unsettling and unveils a lot of hidden emotion when it comes unexpectedly. I feel... overwhelmed.
When someone reaches inside and throws a question right at the core of the place your mind has been whirling and twirling for weeks / months, it's like time stands still and in that moment a thousand hours pass; and then with a flicker, it's gone. I felt like there was a 'somewhere' today, a 'something', but before I could get my head around it all to process... The conversation had been taken away as soon as it had started.
I now have the same things whirling round and round in my head, only its all so fast and filled with emotion I don't stand a chance of getting things to process. What am I dreaming about, what defines a date, (why didn't he ask if it wasn't, and why was I stupid enough to think otherwise), when did I become a girlfriend again, does that mean it was a break-up? Was there a break-up? There was a point where I was a girlfriend? What???
I've gone from a something to a 'we said we were starting from scratch when you got here so we are just friends', to a dating, then non-dating, and now I was somehow a girlfriend again? I am spinning. Hot tears running down my face, a million unanswered questions, and a scream dying to get out from so deep inside I can feel it in my stomach.
I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, it seems like everything needs a label so I don't misread the situation. Where does that leave things? I feel like I would need to ask for the intent/definition of things so not to make a complete and total ass of myself again. Is that how things are meant to be? Am I so wrong in just listening to my gut and trusting other people will do the same, letting things flow and letting my heart lead me any which way it likes because... How wrong can your heart go?
I'm in pieces. Tonight things have either just turned all the way right, or all the way wrong, and I've no idea which, and no idea how I'm supposed to know when it seems my compass in this situation always fucks up.
Billie Myers - Kiss The Rain
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