Today didn't really go to plan. Not even a little.
Last night my date (let's call him Mr Helicopter) was being a little evasive. You know me, I rarely take a back seat when something is biting at my brain, so I called him out on it. He told me he wasn't sure he could meet me today and then shortly after he called and we spoke on the phone. I could have talked to him for hours. He told me a little about his life and slowly the dots started to join, but before a line formed we bid each other goodnight. He told me he had a doctors appointment in the morning and travelling from his city to mine for us to meet for our date would be dependent on what time he got away. I told him my instincts were telling me there was more to him than he was letting on and he replied by telling me he had been broken by someone before and he would never do that to someone else. I fell asleep nervous and excited.
We whattsapped back and forth a few times this morning and then early afternoon he sent me a message telling me he was about to give me my 'get out of jail card'. I wasn't sure what he meant until a link popped up on my screen.
I knew a few things about Mr Helicopter already, things that would normally make me shy away (he has a 7yr old for example); but as I've said, there was something about him. I knew he had completed a marathon and had undertaken a few other charity fundraiser activities. What I didn't know, until this morning at least... Mr Helicopter has a pretty serious, life changing, never going to go away, medical condition and the fundraising was for that relevant charity. He had sent me a link to tell me, so I could make up my mind if I wanted to venture on our planned first date. I was taken back. He was yet again showing me his open hand. No smoke, no veils, just a guy holding open his life's hand for me to step inside and take a peek.
The link took me to a facebook page that also linked to a blog he had completed a few journal entries for. I had just been handed his equivalent of this blog. I had no idea what to do. When someone reveals their whole self do you need to do the same in return, even if you aren't ready?
I had 100s of questions running round my head, none of which I was going to ask. My instincts were right, but who could have predicted. I had somehow stumbled upon someone who was more like me than he could know. I had no idea if that was a good or a bad thing but I felt I owed it to myself to find out and so I told him he could keep his get out of jail free card, and to text me when he knew what time we were to meet.
Shortly after Mr Helicopter text to tell me his doctors appointment had taken it out of him and he couldn't face the train journey through to meet me. I was unexpectedly crushed. quiet hot tears fell down my face.
I had been asked out by two other guys this weekend, both of which seem to want to bend any which way I ask for us to meet and here I was feeling somehow lost. The one guy who had managed to get through my shell (and I've no idea how), a guy so inexplicably similar to me I had found an inner silence had bailed on me. He told me his secret, I told him it didn't matter and yet there I was, the girl being stood up. I saw it coming, I'm not sure why it surprised me but it did. The thing is... He got under my skin. Silently, honestly and unassumingly. The one time I let myself follow the stream of uncertainty and somehow despite everything, I still ended up with hot salty water running down my cheeks. Why am I never the girl that someone would walk 1000 miles for?
As a final cherry of humiliation, after I had stepped away with dignity and grace I dropped my phone (a good few hours later), I hadn't realised until I heard it ringing and looked down... It was calling him! Why him I have no idea?! He wasn't the last person I had called or text. I hung up quickly and sent a 'sorry dropped call' text, but it doesn't matter what I said... I now look like I was being some kind of mad psycho fake dropped call lunatic! I don't even get to look graceful in my exit.
New dress, new shoes, new moments of feeling lost. I'm not sure why I'm feeling the whole thing so deeply. Perhaps because there was something about this guy that just clicked and it was the first time in a long time that I had felt that way. I just wish I hadn't been led by the hand to be left standing hopeless in the woods. Why do the guys who need an ego boost always pick the girls with hearts stuck together with glue and string?
I think I need to try and get some space and clear my thoughts to try and find a starting point again. The thing is, what's the point in taking the hand of someone you know could never hurt you.
I really wish for once that there was someone there to catch me when I tripped up. Warm and safe and full of love. Maybe it was for the best...
Could two birds with broken wings have held hands to learn to fly again?
Charlotte Lawrence - The Finish Line
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