My life has gone horribly wrong. Things couldn't be on the downturn anymore if they tried.
Despite applying for 387 jobs and counting and having attended in excess of 60 interviews at various stages, this morning I opened the mail and received 2 more 'unsuccessful' responses and keeping me at 0 offers. Positive thinking can only carry you so far before you being to question your very ability and once that happens of course you are going to be useless.
I thought I was one more rejection away from popping when I interviewed for a position this last Monday. I fell in love with the company over the course of interviews and was certain that I had sold myself as well as possible at the final stage. Yet... I opened a crisp white envelope this morning telling me yet again that I have somehow fallen short of the grade.
I haven't blogged in a while as I felt with health things and boy things and job things... THINGS! I really needed to concentrate on lining my ducks up, but it appears that concentrating my efforts in a productive manner hasn't aided me one iota and so I quit.
I quit being stressed, I quit getting my hopes up when I make it to the final stage for the 30th time, and I quit thinking that I'm a good person and so something is waiting for me around the corner. That student loan I can't afford to pay back will just have to wait. The student overdraft that has now become a noose around my head charging me £1 a day to be sat in it with no escape and the pending knowledge that my non existent credit score (you don't get credit if you have never borrowed) is about to be crushed into nothingness as the debt gets passed elsewhere... well... There is fuck all I can do about it and so why let it make me sick.
This last 7 days worrying and stressing in between applying for things. I've number crunched, applied, interviewed, presented, chased up, schmoozed, number crunched some more and there are no two ways about it. My rent bills and council tax are higher than my in-comings. I can't get a job either permanent or temporary despite my skills and my consistent chasing up of agencies and applications online and in person (yes I have walked round places) and despite the fact I felt that things in life this disastrous only really happened to 'other people' who really didn't want to work and contribute to society anyway. It appears. I am about to get a giant spoon of reality.
In 22 days I shall be homeless. Let that sink in.
Homeless. Me. A 20 something year old with skills and a want to work.
Jobless. Penniless. Homeless. Hopeless. Helpless. Fuck.
I can't afford my rent/bills and moving out of this place means applying for another with no income is impossible through any agency or private letting person. Council properties aren't available to me as there are waiting lists and I'm not considered a 'priority' and while there are a few couches I could surf, I am not going to put myself in a position where I am a burden to any of my friends. The saving grace here is that mum is financially stable and won't be affected by it all.
So no. Today and quite possibly tomorrow I shall be getting my head out of this awful awful place and try and think of a creative solution to my problems. Surely there has to be work out there for someone who wants to work. Overqualified and Under qualified seems to be kicking the crap outta me at the moment but there must be a work around. I'm a smart girl and this entire disaster must be avoidable. Yes. I just need to work out what I've missed.Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
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