Girly MOT

So today was checkup day at the breast clinic and also the day for me to go and have my annual 'sensible people' checkup at the GUM clinic.  Yes... I did just go there.

The breast clinic was really a serious reality check, everything seems so innocent until you open those double doors and are met with a sea of women looking rather pale and wearing hats.  There was something really humbling sat there looking around.  Not because these women are sick, but because they are clearly despite this still part of the grind.  Business suits and damp from the rain, all day bus passes and exhausted wind swept faces.  Life hasn't stopped and they just need to keep on keeping on.  I've been given the thumbs up until my next check-in just after my birthday in Feb.  Happy days.

The MOT however... that was something all together different.  If you are easily grossed out and/or don't like hearing about our lady parts you might want to stop reading now.

For those of you who have never graced the doors of the GUM clinic before first of all... why?!?! and second of all... it is the most surreal waiting room you will ever sit in.  The number one rule is that you must not make eye contact with anyone.  The number two rule is that you need to keep your facial expressions to the minimum.  I mean we all do it; sat there surrounded by self help leaflets and STI posters 'I wonder what she has', 'oh there's a couple that must be a pregnancy', 'she looks too smart to be in here for anything dirty it must be a smear'.  You like to think you are one of the ones that people are grouping into the 'It must be for contraception' brackets but in reality lets face it, everyone is looking about and thinking the same 'dirty trout'.

So as I was saying, my annual STI check (a girl can never be too safe or too smart), my annual smear test (as you do) and this time around the removal of my current best friend the 'you can't get pregnant with me, copper iud'.  Yes it was finally time to part ways with my little gadget.  And now cue the slightly gross but highly amusing Bridget Jones moment:

I was sat in the usual position, laid back, bum on the edge of the bench, knees bent, legs in stirrups with the doctor between my thighs doing her thing while yielding the giant spotlight when I found myself in a moment of utter embarrassing comedy genius.  The doctor had just finished taking the swabs for my tests (god I hate that word... swab... yuck) and was beginning to get herself into position and talk me through the removal of the iud when out of nowhere as if talking to herself I heard the words "Yes that really is a very healthy and good looking cervix"  cue the most bizarre comment I have ever had, me bursting into giggles and then cue the speculum shooting out of my girl parts and hitting her in the face... yes, the face! 

I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me right then and there.  Bridget Jones sliding down her pole and bearing her pants has nothing on that moment.  

The doctor however was professional to a fault and despite having what I think I saw was a silent chuckle to herself she assured me that she was ok and that she would normally ask someone to cough as she removes the iud but on this circumstance she was just going to request that I clear my throat as with my exceptionally strong pelvic floor muscles she didn't want to risk (and I quote) "Losing an eye".  Holy Crap!

On the plus side, if times ever get tough I think I have a potential future career in certain areas of Thailand.

Greg Laswell -This Woman's Work
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