Girly MOT

So today was checkup day at the breast clinic and also the day for me to go and have my annual 'sensible people' checkup at the GUM clinic.  Yes... I did just go there.

The breast clinic was really a serious reality check, everything seems so innocent until you open those double doors and are met with a sea of women looking rather pale and wearing hats.  There was something really humbling sat there looking around.  Not because these women are sick, but because they are clearly despite this still part of the grind.  Business suits and damp from the rain, all day bus passes and exhausted wind swept faces.  Life hasn't stopped and they just need to keep on keeping on.  I've been given the thumbs up until my next check-in just after my birthday in Feb.  Happy days.

The MOT however... that was something all together different.  If you are easily grossed out and/or don't like hearing about our lady parts you might want to stop reading now.

For those of you who have never graced the doors of the GUM clinic before first of all... why?!?! and second of all... it is the most surreal waiting room you will ever sit in.  The number one rule is that you must not make eye contact with anyone.  The number two rule is that you need to keep your facial expressions to the minimum.  I mean we all do it; sat there surrounded by self help leaflets and STI posters 'I wonder what she has', 'oh there's a couple that must be a pregnancy', 'she looks too smart to be in here for anything dirty it must be a smear'.  You like to think you are one of the ones that people are grouping into the 'It must be for contraception' brackets but in reality lets face it, everyone is looking about and thinking the same 'dirty trout'.

So as I was saying, my annual STI check (a girl can never be too safe or too smart), my annual smear test (as you do) and this time around the removal of my current best friend the 'you can't get pregnant with me, copper iud'.  Yes it was finally time to part ways with my little gadget.  And now cue the slightly gross but highly amusing Bridget Jones moment:

I was sat in the usual position, laid back, bum on the edge of the bench, knees bent, legs in stirrups with the doctor between my thighs doing her thing while yielding the giant spotlight when I found myself in a moment of utter embarrassing comedy genius.  The doctor had just finished taking the swabs for my tests (god I hate that word... swab... yuck) and was beginning to get herself into position and talk me through the removal of the iud when out of nowhere as if talking to herself I heard the words "Yes that really is a very healthy and good looking cervix"  cue the most bizarre comment I have ever had, me bursting into giggles and then cue the speculum shooting out of my girl parts and hitting her in the face... yes, the face! 

I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me right then and there.  Bridget Jones sliding down her pole and bearing her pants has nothing on that moment.  

The doctor however was professional to a fault and despite having what I think I saw was a silent chuckle to herself she assured me that she was ok and that she would normally ask someone to cough as she removes the iud but on this circumstance she was just going to request that I clear my throat as with my exceptionally strong pelvic floor muscles she didn't want to risk (and I quote) "Losing an eye".  Holy Crap!

On the plus side, if times ever get tough I think I have a potential future career in certain areas of Thailand.

Greg Laswell -This Woman's Work
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Never Been Married

I'm not sure how it happened.  When did the world change so much?  How did I suddenly become the 'odd one out' in a sea of engaged and married people.

When you're growing up you never really think about being eternally single.  You dream about meeting prince charming (or princess, whatever rocks your world), you hope you don't have to kiss to many ugly frogs along the way, and you just expect the 'Happily Ever After' part to fall into place.  Funny how it never really works out like that.

I remember in my late teens watching people get into serious relationships and wondering what they were thinking, they were too young, they hadn't lived enough and why wouldn't they want to sample all the beauty there is on offer before tying themselves down.  A few fell in and out of love and I myself found Clutz who stole my heart; for a few years at least.  There are a few that have made it, taken young love and have married and settled down with kids.  Do I envy them... not really.  They gave up life's rich pastures too young I think.

In your mid 20s things tend to change.  A new wave of relationships swoops in and before you know it a chunk of your friends have decided that living on the wild side is not for them anymore as they gaze into the eyes of the one person among all the others that sets their heart on fire.  These I think are the lucky ones.  Young enough to embrace experiences and grow together.  Old enough to have taken a walk on the wild side.  These people are now pretty much all married and with kids.

Fast forward to your late 20s and all of a sudden being single isn't as simple anymore.  Most of your friends are in relationships and you suddenly become the source of their 'juicy gossip', who you are dating, who you kissed, what it feels like to be free as a bird.  Compare and contrast and it is a bitter sweet pill you swallow but one you embrace with a deep breath knowing that unlike some in this phase... you were asked and you had offers but none of them were right and you refuse to settle.

Close your eyes and open them again and you find yourself in your early 30s, single, compromise free and suddenly wondering what the hell were you thinking.  Yes you didn't settle and you can't help but feel lucky for that, but the relationships you tried to make work also failed and somehow you're now in the twilight zone.  The last of your friends are now announcing first babies and weddings and even the more hardy suddenly seem to be getting engaged.  Look around and you're surrounded by a sea of couples and somehow you have managed to turn into the party gooseberry.  No longer are you the source of juicy gossip, we all know the sex and the city girls were well in their 30s when they started to settle down but this is real life and if you aren't CEO of some major corporation then you sure as hell better get ready to become accustomed to the pitying looks of 'too much baggage', 'too picky', 'too unrealistic', 'gonna be single forever' and forbid the horror of the 'young spinster' stare.

Yes I can safely say I chose my path to where I am and I stood my ground when lesser men came knocking but I'm not so sure I'm laughing now.  Happily Ever After somehow seems to have become 'Someday Never'.

I wonder if the next stage is cynical.  Oh please no, not cynical!

My someday never song.

Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

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PS:  I'm Back