It doesn't matter how hard you try to move on when you have loved someone so deeply the word love itself seemed too little, that person will always have the ability peel back a wound as if it is as fresh as the day they broke your heart no matter how much time has passed.
I had to email Mr X a month or so ago for reasons unrelated to our relationship. Our exchange was polite yet brief and in some ways was exactly what I needed. Two days ago I needed to email him again and as a consequence he asked that I unblock him from chatting on my phone so he could fix the problem. I did, and things went well. We didn't speak about anything other than the matter at hand but it was pleasant and informal. Once everything was discussed I wished him well and said goodbye. He responded by thanking me for UNblocking him. I know now I should have just left it there but as things usually go when you don't pre-plan I ended up replying to say I had blocked him as we weren't talking and so I wouldn't msg him either as his actions had been pretty clear in letting me know he didn't want to stay in touch any more. I then left saying pleasant goodbye again.
Unfortunately rather than ending things there this then went on to prompt him to send me a rather long message saying why he had been upset and feeling that way. It wasn't in an accusatory or argumentative tone, but it wouldn't have been hard not to read with an element of finger pointing. Again, I shouldn't have, but I replied. I wasn't argumentative and I left it saying I didn't see the value in the conversation and we should just leave things as water under the bridge as I was sure neither of us wanted to complicate things by arguing.
I hadn't realised straight away but I found myself sat down with tears streaming down my face. Silent non-blubbering tears, hot and heavy and pouring down my face. One message and I had somehow been transported back 5months.
He messaged back shortly after saying that he was saddened by the whole thing but agreed it was all in the past (smiley face). I decided best to acknowledge his text and so composed myself and sent a short reply to say I was pleased we agreed and to wish him the best again.
He replied. He asked how I am doing. The hot salty tears began to roll down my face again. I logged out.
I think I will always be in love with Mr X, whether I will meet someone else who will capture my heart in a different but equally strong way I still don't know, but Mr X will always hold a piece of my heart.
I don't wish him anything but a happy and full life, but I can't have him dipping in and out of mine. He pushed me away, messed me around and hurt me in a way I didn't even know was possible when he just disappeared. The end of our relationship first as partners and then as friends caused me enough heartache for ten lifetimes. I don't want to put myself in a position where he could let me down and break pieces of me again.
I've no idea if or how to reply. I would like to leave things with an ending and ignoring a text isn't that but I don't want to get into things or end up hurt again.
<3 ...
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Nikki - How to Break a Heart
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