Phlegmatic

I was going to write about last night and Mr S here but I somehow don't really want to so instead I will tell you about something else :D

So the tattoo yesterday only took 40mins, they had schedulled me in for 1hr 1/2 as most people need a few breaks for the size/location of the tattoo I got but it didn't really hurt more than being scratched a little with a paper clip (weird comparison I know).

I have to say though, I didn't get any of the buzz or the elated feeling I have had in the past when I've had a piercing done (tongue when I was 16 and waaaay before the spice girls and piercing popularity, and my lip when I got all age conscious on my 25th birthday lol). 

Today it feels a little tight like I have been sunburnt but it is only a little red and doesn't really hurt.  I do like it, and definately think I chose something I can live with which is a good thing.  It is leeking ink at the moment though which although is apparently normal, its a bit of a nightmare as I seem to have dyed one of the cusions on my cream couch... good job it was a £35 find at a charity shop and not £800 from MFI or some other random overly priced warehouse store.

Sooooo All I need to do now is get the other 2 'to do' items off the list in the next week - game on!

'The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be' Socrates


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Daniel Merriweather - Red:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yur15Brfvhs

Number 2

Well bloggerinos, today is the day... my tattoo is booked for 2pm.

I thought I would give you a preview of it, there is a space in between the lettering to seperate the two quotes i've translated(i've put a star so you can see but obviously would be bigger).

פילה לפראית בלב לכדה בכלובים * סרנדיפיטי

It is going from my neck down (i've attached a pic so you can see what I mean) and will read from >>>> that side downwards.

Do you like/hate?

I'm off to a comedy show and food with Mr S tonight.  I'll let you know how it goes.

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Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtrEN-YKLBM

Number 4

Feeling ready for the summer today, I can't wait for download!

Bloggers choice update - put myself on a well known dating site and people, this is not a good way to meet the undesperate.  The resounding yelp of fear and collection of bad/old photographs and ugly mug shots does not convince me that internet dating is the way to go... I will keep you informed.

I will leave you with an awesome tune for the summer and this gem of wisdom:

'None are so hopelessley enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free'  Goethe

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Hot Action Cop - Fever for the Flava
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpRUszSW24M&feature=related

Number 1

Right, click the link and tick one of the challenges off my list!

5ive months (update)

At the start of the month I listed 4 things that I was going to aim to do this month so I thought I would give you an update on how things are going.

• Sing/play at an open mic night - not sure I'm confident enough for this so what i've decided to do is upload a track of me doing that onto this blog (I recorded a song on my iPhone today so would anyone technical minded care to enlighten me as to how to change this into a file I can upload onto youtube or something MS moviemaker will accept so I can upload onto here)?
• Get a tattoo - I've finalised the design and have booked my appointment for next Friday so in 6 days time i'll let you know if it hurt or not and might post a pic.
• Go on a date - Ok I'm waaaaaaaaaaay behind on this which is why after looking at all the suggestions I decided to opt for the 'internet dating' thing. 
• Bloggers Choice - I've signed up on a well known internet dating site for 1mth in the view to 'road test' for those of you who have ever thought about trying it and also to help in ticking number 3 off the list - sneeky huh!

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A totally underrated tune:  Chicane - Poppihola

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EC40_p9eG8w

Uncomfortable

Right so I've just had the most uncomfortable 12hrs!

Think I need to put this into context really quickly first...

• When I went to visit Herb and Barron with Balloo, Balloo and I shared an airbed due to space and a teeny tiny couch.
• A few weeks ago Balloo heard I was unwell and persisted until I let him come through to 'check I was ok'  he perstered to sleep upstairs to make sure I didn't fall and hut myself during the night and as I was unwell I gave in so we shared a bed.
• Balloo and I have been friends for over 10 years and so have slept in the same room, on the same couch, in the same bathtub sometimes drunken.
• Nothing has ever happened between us at all!

The weekend before last was when Balloo was here and last weekend he pretty much said his plans were to come through again.  I told him I wanted a quiet weekend and so after a few emails he agreed not to come through.  This weekend was the same, he had plans with some of our other friends in another city close to this one and asked what I was doing.  I told him I had no definate plans but was again going to play it down as much as possible as I was shattered from exams. 

Before I know it i've had several texts and an email saying 'I know something is wrong, something you aren't telling me and you aren't ok so I'm going to come and see you' I called him the next day to say 'don't be daft' and 'don't cancel your plans' etc. because I really couldnt' be arsed but sure enough it went in one ear and out the other.  A few years ago  Balloo and I hung out a lot but we have both changed a lot since then and although we have a lot in common and still get on great a constant weekend meet is just a little too much and I also got the impression he was hinting to sleep upstairs again 'to be sure I was ok' which I didn't feel comfortable with.

Anyway he arrived yesterday and we watched a movie, had some munch and a few drinks.  About 2am I decided to go to bed and went to grab a duvet etc for him on the futon downstairs (where he had always previously slept until the 'I need to make sure you are ok' time).  When I came back in he said 'I can sleep wherever you want me to, upstairs if you like... or I will sleep down here if you say I have to' (something like that).  Basically making me feel bad... I ignored it, said night and went to bed.  A few mins later I got a text asking 'why am I not allowed to sleep upstairs anymore like I usually do'... I mean wtf!  It was once, it wasn't really a choice and he had never slept in my bed until then!! 

The plot thickens when this morning in the early hours (we are talking like 4hrs sleep) he comes upstairs and says 'hi' I ask the time and when I realise I say I'm going back to sleep... he then climbs into the bed beside me!  I ask why and he says he has been uncomfortable on the futon downstairs (news to me having been the bed of choice the last 2yrs he has stayed), anyway long story sort I felt weird so I said I would let him have the bed and would go sleep on the futon.  He said 'no i'll go' but when it became clear he had no intentions I upped and went.  When I got downstairs he hadn't even opened the futon, he had just maybe grabbed a couple of hours on the couch! 

By the time I opened it out angry as hell and had recieved his ''I feel bad and as if I have thrown you out of your bed... come back... why did you leave can't we share a bed' texts I was wide awake!  Goodbye Saturday morning lie-in!

He managed to 'force' some sleep and came down 6hrs later making me late for my plans for the day.

I feel really uncomfortable at what felt like any excuse to get into/share my bed and to be honest uneasy at his motives.  I definately think the flowers I recieved the other week had an alterior motive!  The irony is that because I thought they might do I even went as far as re-affirming that we are just friends via a carefully worded email.

Right, well that was all a bit of a rant but I don't feel I could read it over and make it any more concise without effort that just ain't going to wash after only 4hrs sleep so i'll love ya and leave ya and will await your comments bloggers.

Think i'll have to compose a striaght to the point 'cruel to be kind' email this afternoon.

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One of my favorite bands of all time:  Letters to Cleo, Cruel to be Kind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH_X7RsmaK4

Finito

Exams, deadlines - done and done!

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Worth waiting for the adverts to finish for this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVFj-_SDIHE

Black Holes

And the next line isn't revelations...

For no reason what so ever I hit a rut last night. Like a train going 100 miles an hour it came out of nowhere, knocked me off my feet and kept on going.  Nothing happened to trigger it, I was lying in bed watching some rubbish movie on tv trying to fight the urge to go to sleep too early.

Depression is a weird thing... if I told anyone they would be shocked and would think I was making some sort of macabre joke.  I mean, I guess I know that only you can help you and so there is no point in wallowing in it but its such a bizzare thing, I hate that I can't control it... I just want to shake myself shouting 'just snap out of it'.  I refuse to let a state of mental being win.. I mean i've been through a lot of crap for someone my age and i'll be screwed if I'm going to let what is really nothingness destroy me.  If only I could somehow tell that to the part of my head/brain that had me sitting on my bed sobbing hot, fat crocodile tears last night.

Truth - I stopped taking the anti-depressants the doctor prescribed me.  I felt I had been on them 6-8 weeks now and that would be enough so the last time I was there had him prescribe the same dosage, then 1/2 the original dosage too so I could try to reduce the amount I was taking.  He agreed but when I got home I decided I would just stop taking them all together as I would be fine, and I honestly thought I would be.  I mean, I should be ok without them right? 

I don't want to be one of these medication dependant 'hand me a placebo drug and i'll dance like a monkey' kinda girls.  I think I might have to give in and pop a pill today tho, I don't want to get to where I was before I decided to see the doctor for some tablets again.

I guess the irony of the whole situation is that I don't quite believe i'm not making the whole thing up.  I'm a girl struggling with depression but in my head depression is something that doesn't really exist its just a name for people who don't want to pull their socks up and get on with things... they prefer to wallow in the past and lie in a pit of self pity screaming for people to look at hard done by they are and throw sympathy over them like a warm blanket...

The trouble with that is... I'm here, stuck in a horrible, lonely and scary place that I landed last night for no apparent reason and the last thing I want is for people to know (you my lil bloggers don't count as you have no idea who I am) or to be stuck here for longer than a couple of seconds and a deep breath.

wow - not such a cheery blog today huh

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Nora Jones - Don't know why:

http://www.lyrics007.com/Norah%20Jones%20Lyrics/Don't%20Know%20Why%20Lyrics.html

Cake

I am dyyyyying to go out get drunk, party, dance, giggle and do all the things I should steer away from as I need to be studying.

Why is it, when you are supposed to be studying or writing a 5,000 word essay even watching paint dry somehow seems appealing.  My flat is nothing short of spotless, I even somehow found myself rearranging the contents of my bedroom drawers and wardrobe!

So how have I decided to fight the fight to keep myself in, sober and studying for as many hours as possible today?  I've decided to bake a cake - Delia Smith eat your heart out...

If I did have to choose though, I'd rather be Nigella Lawson -  she might fondle anything phallic with a cheeky glint in her eye in a bid for world cookery domination, but at least she doesn't have a ponch for all things floral and bad hair cuts.  Yes Nigella lawson it is.

So what delicious tasty treat am I making you ask... well bloggers due to the fact the only eggs in my kitchen are of the 'dried' variety I have swayed away from the urges to make a chocolate torte and have opted for a cheeky vanilla and chocolate marble cake :D mmmm

Oh yes... way back in the 1950's I'd have made someone a wonderful housewife :P

Inappropriates

A question I like to throw on the table when meeting new people is the discussion of 'inappropriates' and so I'm opening up the door to you my lil blogger friends to confess all and divulge yours.

An inappropriate is someone you have the hots for or 'would' which if said outloud would allow others to giggle for obvious reasons. I've heard some decent inappropriates over the years ranging from father christmas, Eddie Izzard, Joan Rivers and more frequently than you would suspect (which makes me think he sould be banned from the game) Stephen Fry.

The Rules:

1. The person you pick must be in the here and now, no dead celebs.
2. You can't specify a particular instance for example: Miss .... in the Movie .....
3. If you have to question whether the person named is inappropriate or not you clearly need to select another

So to get things off to a sporting start I'll list a couple of mine:

John Cussack

Harrison Ford

Jonathan Ross

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An awesome tune from the movie Kickass, a must see if you haven't already:

Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DA1NEPDiqf0

Hedgehog

Just a little something that put a smile on my face - enjoy!

Awwww cuteness!

No Ordinary Princess

Just sat my 1st exam, it went ok but i'm not holidng out for a miracle grade as the topic today was by far my weakest subject. 

I'm going to treat myself to a night off this evening and kick back about 7pm with a bubble bath and a glass of Pinot before watching some trash tv (freeview box - don't let me down)!  I will however be exceptionally careful as someone recently pointed out that drinking and swimming could be a dangerous activity and despite my aim of living on the edge this year i've taken heed of the advice and will opt for more of a floating and swimming approach in order to live another day.

OMG blogger friends, I have just outed myself as someone with 'free' or 'council' tv, no sky or virgin for this little duck!  I am a true student when it comes to minimising the cash I spend on anything that doesn't involve going out or hitting a gig.  I don't have a flashy tv and live in the hope of decent re-runs to get me through the cold and lonely nights (lol).  Until recently I was paying homage to Louis Theroux on my little 21" screen but 40" deep tv however as those have now finished I have had to console myself with Mark Dolan as a similar but not quite as humerous alternative option.

They say the larger your tv in relation to your living room the 'lower class' you are and visa verca.  Bearing this in mind I am somewhat peturbed to say that with the ratio of the size of my tv to the size of the massive living room with 20ft high ceillings I type to you now from... I must clearly be an undiscovered member of the royal family.

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'Not your ordinary princess'

The Subways, Rock and Roll Queen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YldwmfECX7E&feature=related

Booty Call

One night stand - fuck buddy - friend with benefits - quickie - screw friend - sex - no strings attached - no commitment - unadulterated pleasure - aka. The Booty Call

I've been sex free for a while now and having done the fuckbuddy thing before I met Mr S.  It was the perfect solution to sex without the stresses of a relationship or the concerns of a one night stand.  However despite its obvious attractions I vowed I wouldn't go back there again when Mr S and I split up as I think that somehow it makes you unavailable to other people.  Also, it seems that girls go into these types of arrangements with their eyes wide open knowing exactly what is on the table, guys on the other hand seem to jump in with both feet and somehow seem to get themselves attached.

Despite this, I think sex is a stress relief must and as i'm smack bang in the middle of exams right now and am no way near ready for another relationship just yet I think i'm going to rejoin the club.

Before I met Mr S I went on a couple of dates with a guy 'El Dempasso' who kissed fantastically, had some astonishingly great chat and seemed to know exactly what he wanted out of life - yeah he seemed pretty great.  It soon came to light however, that El Dempasso was a virgin and so if things were to progres I would be the girl to 'pop his cherry'. 

I was totally shocked, he had totally blown away my stereotype of what a 20-something yr old virgin would/should be like, he was confident, self assured, got lots of female attention and had just decided to wait.  I on the other hand wasn't sure I wanted the responsibility of 'doing the deed' so we decided to think it over as we were both about to go on holiday.  I met Mr S before we got back in touch again. 

We have stayed in touch on and off since via text and the wonder that is facebook and he got in touch more frequently when he heard that Mr S and I had split up which lead to some steamy texts but having taken the plunge since I had seen him last and was looking for something no-strings attached which I wasn't sure I wanted so we left it at that.

Anyway my lil bloggers, I am thinking El Dempasso may be the stress relief and fun-time person perfect for just now and due to a bit of a photo/text disaster a short time ago, I know the offer is on the table so watch this space...

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I've always loved this song, but it couldn't be a better choice for today's blog:

Moloko, Pure Pleasure Seeker

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwmoMaB6VWc&feature=related

5ive months

We've been together 5 months now bloggers and I don't feel I've moved as far on with my life as I'd like to be so I think I'm going to set myself 3 tasks for May to give things a bit of a kick start but in the name of all things blog like here's your opportunity to give me a 4th... suggestions on comments below please :o)

1. Go on a date
2. Sing/play guitar at an open mic night
3. Get a tattoo (I have debated one for several years but have never bit the bullet)
4. ......(insert here).......

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One of the songs i'm going to learn for open mic:

Winding Road - Bonnie Sommerville

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTn31jn1JZ4