Smarties

I wasn't sure if I should post this next bit of info, but when I started out on this blog journey I wanted it to be the good, the bad and the ugly... my life on a plate, so really, there was no choice.

Despite being the girl who can bounce back from everything, the rock that most people lean on etc.  I have hit a really deep dark patch with this whole thing and scared myself in the week that I fell off blog planet land. 

Anyway everything climaxed the other day when I found myself sat on my bedroom floor hacking away at the flesh on my arms with any sharp object I could get my hands on.  I started with scissors, went to a knife in the kitchen drawer when that wasn't cutting enough and even resorted to smashing a class and using the chard's to ensure I could get as deep as possible.  What stopped me from completing the job?  Not pain, or uncertainty in my actions, but the knowledge that behind I would leave my mum and who would take care of her when I was gone.  She already struggles to get up in the morning and stay on track since dad died and I couldn't add to that by applying any kind of guilt.  My days training as a nurse paid off, I stitched myself up and am now accessorising every day with long sleeved tops and an array of very chunky bangles.

I went to the docs a few days later and left with an appointment to go and see someone and a prescription for 'happy pills'.  I'm ashamed that this is what it has come to as its like admitting failure?

Anyway, crazy amounts of deliberation and here I am.

I started taking the tablets only a day ago and the side effects have already kicked in (which according to a few online forums I've been on, seems to be the norm).  I would probably have kept this whole thing to myself but I think perhaps including this in my journey might make for a few interesting and laughable events.

I slept 3 hours last night in total and have more energy today than I have ever had despite being quite an active person.  The only thing I can put it on par with is an adrenalin rush and wow am I rushing!  I could quite easily run round my living room screaming at the top of my lungs for a few hours, hold down a conversation with several people all at once and give John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever a run for his money busting shapes on the dancefloor. 

You would think I could throw out a couple of essays for these looming deadlines in about 20mins right now but no.... my head is running waaaaaay too fast for anything else... How i'm managing to get this down for you guys is actually beyond me at the moment.  I'm typing this as I'm standing up and rocking out to some tunes on MTV.

This is mental!!

----------------------

The ONLY song right now:  Song 2, Blur
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSbBvKaM6sk