Respite

This will be my last blog for a few days as i'm jetting off for an appointment this evening and then straight over to Herb and Barron's house for the flatwarming tomorrow with Balloo... I'm sure i'll have some juice gossip for you when I get back.

Mr S stayed in the flat for the first time in about 3 weeks last night, he rocked in about 10pm and wanted to talk but it was the last thing I needed yesterday so I was polite but declined and headed upstairs.  He text me today to say he is hoping to 'fix' our friendship and implied he will be back at the flat a little more until he moves out in order to do this... we will see

Anyway adios amigos... have a good weekend

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Kelly Clarkson, Since you've been Gone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdxRS_GyBbM

Full of Grace

'Tuesdays child is full of grace'

I have 101 deadlines for Uni this week and am going out of my mind trying to fit in the time to get them all done - I'm shattered and am most definately not full of grace.

The silver lining is that on Friday I'm heading down to see 'herb' and her bf, my ex flatmate and the guy I set her up with (what shall we call him hmmm Barron) with another one of our mutual friends (who I will call) Balloo.  I'm really looking forward to it,  I've known herb since my first day in secondary school so about 18yrs now and have known Barron and Balloo for 11yrs.  Herb and Barron have just moved house so they have organised a flatwarming party around our arrival with the theme of 'silly hat'.  A quick visit to ebay last night has ensured that both Balloo and I will be hooked up with head attire for a captain and a pirate - love it!

My boss gave me a bottle of champers  and a box of chocs at work last night for my team's performance over the last fortnight - about time!  Being a part-time team the guys miss out on a lot and a bad few hours can knock their stats for an entire week.  It also just goes to show that despite the disaster that is lil ole me at the moment my game of make-believe, falsty and keeping up the pretence to all concerned that I'm lil Miss on-top-of-everything is still on form.

We've had a giggle the last few weeks as the majority of us are Uni students and have developed what can only be described as 'the deadline look' - The right eye somewhat bigger than the left, the left eye having developed a twitch, bad skin, unkempt hair, either a foot or a set of fingers that won't stop moving, a tone of voice that jumps around more than a drunk dude at a punk-rock gig, and an un-natural addiction to all things sugary and full of caffine - oh yeah, we are a colourful bunch at the moment and with exams around the corner I imagine things will only get more interesting from here on in.

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MGMT, Time to pretend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9GH-yvPHSY

Seriously?!?

Mr S who hasn't been back to the flat for approx 3wks as he has moved in with someone he met that Sunday he went out text me today to say he missed me as a friend.  He then orchastrated a trip to the flat when I was at work so to miss me....

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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I picked this song mainly for the chorus, but this video brought a much needed smile to my face.
Kellis, I hate you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmXwpPRbVSM

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.


I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.


I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master,
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.
 
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Elizabeth Bishop

'begun is half done'

I probably couldn't have picked a better year to start blogging if I had tried.

This year seems set to be one of great change, deliberation, turbulance personal challenge.  Its only March and I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for what seems like forever.

Truth time.  So far, I've written about six different things in this box for today's blog and have deleted them all.  I can't seem to make a decision at the moment big or small, and as for essay/report writing and Uni deadlines, well...

If this course wasn't so important to me I think I'd be pulling a Mary Poppins and jumping on that oh so familiar band wagon of packing my things and going somewhere new.

Oh well, I guess I'll just keep on truckin'

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New Radicals, You get what you give
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7-CKirWZE

Floating

I feel like i'm floating in time just now, going nowhere, doing nothing and numb to it all.  Its weird, I feel like I'm watching my life pass by sat in a glass box somewhere inside my head but if i'm here... who is driving?

I've been through a lot in my life and managed to bounce back pretty well so its perplexing to me that this time I'm somehow lost.  The last few weeks worth of blogs have pretty much followed the theme of being stuck in a rut and I think somewhere along the road I've stopped trying to dig myself out - this needs to change.

Jeremy Taylor said that 'Love is friendship set on fire'  if thats true then right now the only thing left is a pile of ash and memories and all I need is a good gust of wind...

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Snow Patrol - Chocolate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT62Gwv70kM

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia

Ok lets see if I can get you up to speed

In short: Life in the flat is slowly coming together, work is going ok despite the smirk the crazy pills pasted all over my face last night and with any luck I'll get the essays/reports for my Uni deadlines fired out and handed in by the middle of next week.

And the Longer version...

Flat

A friend of a friend came to see the flat on Monday and she is definately moving in, its just a case of her working out when but it will be by the end of the month at the latest.

Mr S hasn't been back to stay for almost 2 weeks, he has practically moved in with some girl he met that Sunday night (as far as I know) and only dropped in for a few mins last Saturday to do his dishes.  Mouldy Laundry and the rest of the rubbish still sitting where I left it.

Work

I had my APR last night, it was due in December but due to my managers lack of organisational skills was 3 months late.  In a 'real' job, I'd have gone wild at this prospect as it meant my scores and bonus related pay were submitted before any evidence could be submitted or a discussion could take place, here however, the discussion is merely a paper exercise.  The entire meeting took 8mins, I had written a total of 128 words (he counted).  Don't get me wrong I deliberatly refrained from submitting preperation as at IPR time I went in all guns blazing (as that is always what has been expected in my previous positions) and it was a total waste of time/breath so I refused to head in this time for a repeat performance. 

Its rare that someone can get under my skin in a work related situation (at least on the outside), but when his attempt to berate me for my lack of preperation was met with a smirk rather than a look of deliberation it was game over and we called the meeting to an end.  

Everything Else

I'm feeling a little sick with the tablets today, and only managed to get 4hrs sleep before waking, bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I do however feel like maybe I could sit down and work towards some of my Uni deadlines this afternoon - hurrah!

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia:  A phobia impossible to admit to (ironically amusing)

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The theme song of my week:  Gavin DeGraw, I don't wanna be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJzR6SBpVnA&feature=fvst

Smarties

I wasn't sure if I should post this next bit of info, but when I started out on this blog journey I wanted it to be the good, the bad and the ugly... my life on a plate, so really, there was no choice.

Despite being the girl who can bounce back from everything, the rock that most people lean on etc.  I have hit a really deep dark patch with this whole thing and scared myself in the week that I fell off blog planet land. 

Anyway everything climaxed the other day when I found myself sat on my bedroom floor hacking away at the flesh on my arms with any sharp object I could get my hands on.  I started with scissors, went to a knife in the kitchen drawer when that wasn't cutting enough and even resorted to smashing a class and using the chard's to ensure I could get as deep as possible.  What stopped me from completing the job?  Not pain, or uncertainty in my actions, but the knowledge that behind I would leave my mum and who would take care of her when I was gone.  She already struggles to get up in the morning and stay on track since dad died and I couldn't add to that by applying any kind of guilt.  My days training as a nurse paid off, I stitched myself up and am now accessorising every day with long sleeved tops and an array of very chunky bangles.

I went to the docs a few days later and left with an appointment to go and see someone and a prescription for 'happy pills'.  I'm ashamed that this is what it has come to as its like admitting failure?

Anyway, crazy amounts of deliberation and here I am.

I started taking the tablets only a day ago and the side effects have already kicked in (which according to a few online forums I've been on, seems to be the norm).  I would probably have kept this whole thing to myself but I think perhaps including this in my journey might make for a few interesting and laughable events.

I slept 3 hours last night in total and have more energy today than I have ever had despite being quite an active person.  The only thing I can put it on par with is an adrenalin rush and wow am I rushing!  I could quite easily run round my living room screaming at the top of my lungs for a few hours, hold down a conversation with several people all at once and give John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever a run for his money busting shapes on the dancefloor. 

You would think I could throw out a couple of essays for these looming deadlines in about 20mins right now but no.... my head is running waaaaaay too fast for anything else... How i'm managing to get this down for you guys is actually beyond me at the moment.  I'm typing this as I'm standing up and rocking out to some tunes on MTV.

This is mental!!

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The ONLY song right now:  Song 2, Blur
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSbBvKaM6sk

Peripetia

When I was about 20/21 I applied through channel4 to appear on a new tv show they were about to launch a pilot for called shipwrecked (yep thats right).  Anyway I got into the final 50 through telephone interviews, photos and a quick chat with scouts, a few weeks later I met with the producers but didn't make the final cut of 35 and so didn't get onto the show.  After that a few of the assosiated companies kept my details on file and from time to time I get a call to see if I am interested in taking part in a show but nothing has caught my interest... until now.

I got a call yesterday from Hattrick productions to see if I would be interested in taking place in a new dating show, a cross between come dine with me and blind date.  I took a deep breath, said yes and took place in a really random telephone conversation/interview the outcome of which was a resounding 'you are exactly the type of person we are looking for'.  The film crew are coming to my flat in two weeks to talk to me for 20mins on camera and to determine if we move forward.  I'm nervous and apprehensive but I figured I might as well introduce myself to this dating game again with a bang.

Yep, its time to don the wading boots once again and tramp my way through this mess.

Peripetia:  A sudden change in fortune

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You can pretend... but we both know this song is legendary!  And screw your boyzone version, Billy Ocean kicks ass!!


Billy Ocean, When the going gets tough
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx2Y_a_yGyY

Pushing forward

Well I've a report due for 4pm today and with everything going on i've not been able to even think about starting to put it all together... I think it will be late submission number 1 for the year.

Tonight I have someone coming round to look at the flat, she is a friend of one of the other managers at work and seems really nice on the phone.  I told Mr S on Saturday when he popped home for all of 10mins and asked him to clear up his 3 week old dishes, sort out his wet for 2 week laundry and asked him to make his room and bathroom look presentable.  He did the dishes and then went out saying he would be back later, that was 2 days ago and he hasn't been back since so I need to move things and tidy up this evening in a mad rush before she arrives so not to put her off. 

On a happier note...

I've taken a long weekend off work in a couple of weeks to Salisbury to visit my best friend from school (Herb) and her boyfriend (my old flatmate / the guy I set her up with years ago) with one of our mutual friends.  They have just moved house and so are going to arrange a flat warming around the visit which should be fun and who knows I need a good blow out!  

I've also booked a long weekend in the summer to take my mum back to the town we used to live in when I was at high-school.  Its been a bit of a nightmare to organise but seems to be sorted out now.  A couple of old school friends have already been in touch to say it would be great to catch up so i'm looking forward to it. 

One of the people to get in touch is a guy who we shall call 00J, he and I were far from close in school as he was most definately a guys guy and I was a bit geek chic.  Anyhoo we've been talking a little the last couple of weeks and flirting has definately been involved.  We live miles apart and its just a bit of fun at both ends to be honest, but at the same time i'm sure it will make for some decent, innocent banter if we bump into each other when i'm up.

What else... hmmm, oh well on the band front i'm meeting up with the guy who contacted me about singing to his tracks at the end of this week so i'll keep you posted.

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Because it makes me smile and its the start of a new month: 
John Mayer, Waiting on the World to Change
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z87ltstOZp4