After University my dad died and it broke me, he was the one person that could make everything ok without saying a word. We had very little when I was younger and I can remember lots of days when we had nothing to eat and would sneek into the farmers field and sneek a couple of potatoes and a few carrots (when ours in the garden had run out) and made 3 day soup that pretty much only ever tasted of pepper. He was one of the most compassionate people I have ever known and is still my hero. My mum fell to pieces and I had to step up and take charge to organise the funeral - after that the only thing I wanted to do was get away.
The next few years I changed jobs and locations whenever the wind changed direction, I was my own Mary Poppins. You could say I wasted years going no-where and stuck in a rut, but it did me the world of good. I discovered who I was, moved to places I knew no-one forcing myself to make new friends, grew more confident and did a lot of soul searching. I somehow along the way found a talent I never knew I had and that took me to Edinburgh where I started climbing the ladder. I took no crap, negotiated my salary and position on a monthly basis and somehow managed to find myself sitting pretty.
I hated it! My talent was target oriented and as a hugely emotional person the fact i'd discovered my niche in a world I hated was a bizzare concept. I became two people 'work me' and 'regular me', the people I worked with and met through my job were arrogant, money and posession oriented and generally from rich backgrounds - not that they were bad people, most were really nice, but I just didn't seem to be able to sit easy in their company. Its amazing, after a while of putting on a front you become an expert and to this day it always amuses me when people I meet in work situations tell me they have me all worked out. Not that I try to be one of these 'i'm so complex and intense i'm above everyone else' but not a chance. Lil miss power suit who takes no crap from anyone, walks into a room with her head held high and challenges anyone is really lil miss 'oh my god, when I go through this door everyone will look at me - deep breath, deep breath'. I used to think if you acted a certain way for a while it would start to come naturally - rubbish! The only change is that I know if I throw myself into it other people will believe the illusion. I bet you didn't know you were talking to a master of disguise!
I hope one day after University (this 2nd time) I find a job where things fall into place. It would be great to meet people who put on the same front to be sucessful but take it off like a coat when they get home. I've met a few over the years, its pretty easy to spot kindred spirits and for them to spot you once you look. My manager last year was an ogre, he frequently upset those around him and gave off the air of 'don't talk to me unless its important and if you say the wrong thing I will tear you to pieces' after a month I was sure he was wearing a cloak so I challenged him in my monthly apprasal and sure enough down came the barriers and we had a really great chat. He told me all about his insecurities in work (most were his biggest percieved strengths) and I did the same. We have never spoken about it since, once the door closed and I left the room the game of make believe ensued with only a few passing glances acknowledgement since.
---------------
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS0CV_GWEMI
No comments:
Post a Comment