Blind to the Obvious

Ok so I got hurt again today and officially reacted like the bunny boiler in that movie - so no-one got killed but I'm convinced after my 'episode' that all women have a gene intrinsic to their makeup that can make for one very unbalanced individual.

Last night Mr S suggested that we talk again to see if any kind of friendship could be salvaged.  As I am mile high in Uni work and it was late I suggested tonight as we'd both be in a better frame of mind (I also had to psyche myself up first), anyway he said he hadn't planned anything so that was that. 

Today I got a text at lunchtime to say he wouldn't be home today/tonight.  (I'll cut the rambling part here that although exceptionally important to me would bore you senseless) needless to say he didn't reply when I asked why so I guessed and I guessed right.  Little miss false eyelash he met a week ago had booked a hotel room for them so he was ditching me for that.  And then came the RAGE!  Its official, despite the fact we both want different things (I want kids someday, he doesn't - a bit of a deal breaker in anyones books) I couldn't handle it.  He'd managed to throw me aside again with a side salad of 'i'm going to fuck the twinky' thrown in for good measure.

I said some things i'm not proud of and completely over reacted - all on msn as and all recorded for future reference - hurrah.  I couldn't control myself despite knowing at that moment in time that I was behaving like a jealous girlfriend and a pissed off friend all rolled up in one gnarly ball. Tazmanian devil eat your heart out. 

I'm officially no good at break ups or relationships. 

I'm great at dating, I'm fantastic at it tbh.  Before my 1st boyfriend I was never short of offers and was a social dynamo and then after we split up and I got myself back together (it took about a year but we were together for 3) and I became a dating machine.  Just to be clear, i'm a 'go out, have a nice time, get to know each other and peck on the doorstep kinda girl' so all PG

Once I fall in love however, game over!  I'm a pretty great girlfriend (or I think so),  I like the person i'm dating to have their own space and interests, I don't check emails or texts (like most of my friends), I'm trusting (after a while), I say what I feel and i'm not all 'lets move in together and have babies' either, oh and did I mention i'm not a drama queen - I hate to argue and would rather just have a calm conversation than go to bed angry.  I'd say all in all, i'm alright.  And then it happens... I fall in love and this person becomes the centre of everything, not in a clingy weird way but considered in everything and the person I learn to rely on - big mistake!  Getting over that when it ends, it seems, for this lil 20-something year old is near on impossible!

I try, I convinced myself, and then I was surprised when something like this happened and the crazed-insane gene in my make-up popped up its little head up and forced me into the world of the bunny boilers.  Don't get me wrong, i've never actually done anything terrible, but the potential is there i'm sure of it!  And how scary is that!  Although my friend - Red, was saying she thinks we all have it and she is surprised that in all the years we have known each other this is the first time she has known me to act on it.  Hello cavewoman!

I said some horrible things, hurtful things, and whats worse is I kinda helped myself get here, I guided myself to this point where only disaster could strike.  I know a lot of you saw this coming before I did, and I probably did too but its like a one way street and sometimes the train doesn't stop until it crashes - mine didn't make the station.

I guess I could have plodded along a little longer fooling myself; and I guess I might have reacted better had it been a date.  I mean he has known her one week and she booked them a hotel!  Oh and might help to say it was positioned like this "something has come up I can't get out of" - I wonder what that might be?!?!?  A girl who looks like Bet Lynch from Coronation Street when she was an embryo in a wonderbra too?  

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So.... how to move on from here.  I guess it can't get any worse.  I can't fool myself anymore - clearly I still have feelings for this guy and need to sort it out. 

How exactly do you switch off feelings again?