New Year 2009

Today is the last day of the past of my life and is also the catalyst for the decision to write this blog.

I split up with my boyfriend of over 2years about a year ago (we still live together - long story) but tonight we were going to spend New Year together, it had been planned for a while and I turned down other options for it but here I am 5pm on the 31st of December sat on my couch writing to you! 

You see I got a text saying 'I won't be home today/night as my friends have asked me to stay as they are leaving tomorrow'  (they are going back to Dubai).    You see, despite it all he and I are... or... well, I thought, the best of friends but tonight I realised that while I pretty much always think about other peoples feelings when making decisions at major times of the year like this, it appears that instead of making me a nice person it just means there's an invisible sign on my head, imprinting me with qualities that can be captured in one word - 'mug'.

A few years ago I was a confident, outgoing, party girl with 101 aquaintences and a few close friends.. I wasn't looking for love, I wasn't looking for anything!  I was just living life and loving it.  What happened to that girl?  I've dragged her through the mud, over some hedges and dropped her in the middle of a swimming pool full of treacle.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not a feel sorry for myself kind of person (or at least I hope i'm not), but things have crept up on me and I need to get it out before I can move on.  Move onto where, I have no idea, but move on never the less.  So here it is my narcassistic page of golden syrup on toast and there you are, the faceless crowd i'm telling my tale to, gratis therapy of the 21st century.

Moving forward, i'm going to be bold, tackle things in my past i've tried to avoid and change this person i've grown into, to the strong, confident and happy one I know I should be by trying new things, pushing myself and refusing to fade into the background that is drawing me in so badly... you my lil blogger friends are invited along for the ride but i'm warning you now, it ain't going to be easy and we both know its not like it is in the movies... this is going to be one gnarly, self absorbed, rocky road and you'll need to pull your socks up if you are going to keep up.

Tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of my life - ding dong, the bells will chime, and i'm going to be ready... scared, but ready.